The Happily Never After

“Hmm…why haven’t I heard from Mike yet?” That was my thought as I looked at the clock and saw it was about 3:30 pm. It was a Friday afternoon and getting close to the end of my workday. I was done with court and excited to get out of work and see Mike, eager to hear what he wanted to do that evening.

I had texted him earlier in the day, around noon or so, just to say hi and let him know I was available to go rock climbing or whatever he wanted to do. I knew he was thinking of going up to Lake Placid to work on his cabin but pretty sure that I had managed to convince him to stay home and finish some work in his shop so he wouldn’t be stressed the following week where he was due to fly out to Georgia with his older son, Jeremy, to see Mike, Jr. graduate from lineman school.

Of course, I couldn’t help but feel somewhat annoyed and aggravated with his lack of response. I mean, it takes mere seconds to respond, and he usually reaches out by now.

But, as I always reminded myself, he’s not a great texter and often gets sidetracked with the various other things he needs to attend to. Being the owner of an autobody shop and also his best worker doing the bulk of the work as well as dealing with the insurance companies and customers on the phone doesn’t leave him much time to text little ol’ me during the day.

Finally, a few minutes later, my Apple watch started buzzing and I saw his name flash across my phone. He was calling me! I thought, “Yay” and, with a bit of an eyeroll, “Finally!!”

What came next was like being stuck in slow motion with a series of words coming at me fast and with such force that it was as if they were pelting me right in the chest, taking my breath away. When I think back, it is a bit fuzzy and blurred in my memory, very surreal.

I answered the call, “Hi, hon”, but instead of Mike, it was a woman’s voice that responded.

“Hi, this is…”

“I’m a nurse at Albany Med. I’m here with Michael in the ER.”

“He’s been brought in by ambulance… suffered a stroke… left side… paralyzed.”

None of this made sense. My head was spinning. I was speechless on the phone. I immediately went numb. How can this be real? Is she really with my Mike? A stroke? How? Why?

Then, panic. “Wait, what???”

“He’s been trying to text you for the last hour. He finally agreed to let us help him. He’s not sure why but he can’t figure out how to text you.”

“He’s very confused but, cognitively, he is okay. There’s a bleed on the brain. His blood pressure was very high when he was brought in. It caused a blood vessel to burst.”

“But he doesn’t have high blood pressure,” was all I could manage to say.

“Are you somewhere where you can have privacy and talk? I will answer any questions you have. I have all the time you need. And he’s saying he doesn’t want us to call his kids. He doesn’t want them to know.”

I remember shutting my office door, sitting in my comfy chair. I don’t remember breathing, although I obviously must have been. I was oddly aware of feeling emotionally numb. Is this what shock feels like? Why can’t I cry? Because I feel like I should be crying. I just couldn’t react. I sat there and just listened to this woman explain what was happening to the love of my life.

“I want to prepare you for how he will look when you see him. He has a left-sided facial droop. It’s hard for him to see and focus his eyes. His brain has turned off his left side. He will be looking hard to his right. But he is talking. And you can understand him most of the time. We are watching his blood pressure closely.”

I have to say the nurse was wonderful. I remember her answering all of the questions I had without me even having to voice them out loud. She spent what felt like hours on the phone with me, comforting me, reassuring me.

“Can you come down here? How far away do you live? Will you be all right to drive? Do you have anyone that can bring you?”

I assured her I was on my way, that I would be okay to drive.

“Please take your time and drive safe. He is in good hands.”

I started slowly trying to gather my things. My hands felt like they were made of lead. I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking for. What do I need to bring home? Oh, my supervisor. I need to email him, don’t I? Yes, I do. Oh, and I need to get permission to leave. (I don’t even remember writing the email asking to leave early or what I said, but I never checked to see if they responded.)

I called my twin. I remember blurting out a few sentences and as I said the actual words “Mike had a stroke”, I suddenly got choked up and was able to release some of what had built up inside me…

I don’t remember clocking out or walking to my car. Somehow, I was on the Northway aware that I was fighting back tears. I acknowledged that if I allow myself to cry, it will be dangerous, because I won’t be able to stop. No, I can’t do that while I’m driving. I’ve gotta hold it together. I just need to get to him. I need to see him, make sure he’s okay.

Then, I need to call his kids. Oh, my God, his kids. How am I going to tell them? And his brother, I need to call his brother. I can’t fall apart. I need to be strong when I see him. How am I going to do that?

I started replaying the conversation with the nurse in my head. He’s alive. He’s talking. He was trying to reach me. He referenced his kids. Cognitively, he’s okay. Left side is paralyzed. Facial droop. “Dear God, please, please be with Mike right now. Place your healing hands on him. He needs you. I need you.” I prayed the whole ride down the Northway.

He can’t be paralyzed. This will destroy him. He is a mover, a doer, so active. He loves his workouts. He loves painting cars. He loves working on his cabin. He loves just working, period. We were going to do a lot of rock climbing and hiking this summer. He was going to take me scuba diving and skydiving. No, no, no, this can’t be happening.

Then, the anger set in. Like, seriously? Are you freaking kidding me right now? I mean, I finally met my person. We are just beginning. We met so late in life. Things have been so wonderful. We are so in love and we just started talking about marriage and planning a future together. It was that sappy kind of love where I was pinching myself every morning when I woke up, thanking God for bringing this amazing man into my life. And every night, as I laid my head down to rest, I would smile and drift off to sleep with thoughts of his kisses and losing myself in his sparkling ocean water eyes.

I know it sounds selfish but all I could think of was my happily ever after was gone.